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TWiLiGHT

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PostSubject: Synchronoise   Sun Jun 12, 2011 5:48 am

If you wanna help me out with a title, that'd be great XD Other than that, um...hm...well have fun with this first comical chapter to an otherwise actiony tale.

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Scene 1
All around there is only darkness. It's as if the darkest recesses of this young girl's mind had formed a protective shell around her. The girl appears to be roughly around twelve years old. Her hair is short but messy and colored a faint purple. Her eyes are light blue and she wears a long hoodie-skirt with large headphones at the ends of the strings. She hears a voice calling out to her. It echoes from all around. "Please," it says in a small tone, "Please wake up." The girl opens her eyes. She leaps up to her feet suddenly and looks around, alarmed by the echo of this voice. "Oh, good, you're awake."

"Wha! Who's there?!" The girl asks in a panic.

"Please do not worry," echoes the voice. "You are safe. You're not physically awake yet. This place is the limbo between your mind and the mind of another. I have been trapped here for many years with no physical form allowing me to leave."

Paying no attention, the girl looks down upon herself. "No physical form? That means you're a ghost, right? Ah, am I DEAD?!"

"No, I am not a ghost. I am called Icirrus. I must speak to you about the Tome of the Vibrils. You must go to the world below to-"

"Tomb?! Oh man, I knew it! I'm dead, I'm totally dead! Wait, the world below? Like...Heck?" The girl says, her voice getting shriller with every word. "But, I've been good! I think..."

"You are turning this in an entirely inappropriate direction. Listen for a moment please. I am not a ghost and you are not dead. I am Icirrus. If it helps you to remember, then think of me as your creator."

The girl blinks first then sways her arms. "Creator? So...you're like my mom?"

"Not exactly."

Holding her head, the girl flails about, wailing. "So confusing!"

"Please just listen. I am Icirrus, your technical creator. It is through here that I am allowed to communicate with you but only you can hear me. In this plane, I have no physical forms and my consciousness is trapped here. My body lies somewhere inaccessible. Where, exactly, I do not know. You are here because you've been knocked out. I need for you to go to the world below, a place called 8-0-8 and find something called The Tome of the Vibrils. I don't know what it looks like, I'm afraid but someone down there will know. This device is what is needed to restore my physical form so that I may restore you."

"Restore me? What do you mean by that?"

"I'm afraid it is too difficult to explain. It is better that I show you. But I cannot do that without the Tome. Please carry out this task for me."

The girl nods and closes her eyes as a light flashes within the abyss of her mental limbo. "You can count on me, then!"

Scene 2

The girl awakens in the middle of a bright room, lying down on a bed more than four times her size. She looks around curiously and hops up, feeling a bit dizzy, a sharp sting in her leg. "What happened to me?" She says to herself as she tries to walk it off in circles.

"You fell," says a small voice from behind. The girl turns around to find another girl near her age with large turtleneck sweater and short black skirt, as well as long, golden hair standing in the doorway. "Hello. My name is Vynel. Are you feeling better?"

"I'll be okay. Where is this place?" She asks as she looks around. The room is full of bright, vibrant colors such as yellow and pink. There are red crosses on white containers all around the room. In the corner is an injection needle as big as her entire body. She gazes upon it with a nervous appearance, thinking Is That A Needle Or A Cannon? Sunlight pours into the room, further illuminating it and highlighting the pictures on the dresser. Hanging in the mirror are tests and quizzes, all marked with bright red A's. On them are long essays and whole lists of complicated words. "How'd I get here?"

Vynel tilts her head with the obvious look of concern written on her face. "You're in 8-0-8. I found you."

"Found me? Where?"

"Well, I was looking up at the stars one night when I saw a shooting star. That was you. I watched you fall when you suddenly just changed direction and landed in the field out there."

"I was a shooting star?!" The mysterious girl squeals, her eyes lit and twinkling. "So cool! But...I don't remember that."

Vynel glances down at the girl's leg. "Well, I ran out to the field and found you then brought you here since I saw you breathing. What's your name?"

"Oh, my name is Amplica. It's nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too, Amplish...Ampla...do you mind if I just call you Amp of Ampy?"

Amp shrugs and sits back down on the bed. "This is so weird," she says. She lies back and stares at the ceiling, noticing the large mural painted onto it. It was symbolic of one of the landmasses relative to 8-0-8. There were what appeared to be two moons. Surrounding the base of the mass was a sparkling fog of purples and blues, highly resembling the cosmos. The buildings were futuristic and the tallest one had a massive, glowing statue atop the roof. The mural hypnotized Amp, particularly the fog below the mass.

"Well, where did you come from?"

"Huh?" Amp says, pulled from her daze by Vynel's question. "Oh, I don't remember. I remember my name and...That’s about it."

"Oh, you must have amnesia, then."

Amp blinks clueless at Vynel and continues to stare at her. "Amnesia? Well, what's the cure for that? Is it some kind of secret herb found only in a tough monster's den? Or maybe it's a super potion the programs make?"

"Um, there's no cure," Vynel says, nervously twiddling her thumbs. "It just, kind of, goes away. It's usually a temporary thing. I'm sure you'll start remembering things eventually. But for now do you remember anything at all?"

Amp closes her eyes to think. Her face suddenly begins to change color. She was holding her breath. Vynel frightfully smacks her on the back to make her release, in turn making her jump up. The sudden shift strains her leg and she hollers. "Okay, we should tend to that knee before something like this happens again. I think it's just this scrape. I'll get some disinfectant and bandages. How much do you think I should get?"

"Well, this is to keep me all healthy, right? Use all of it. Better safe than sorry."

"Okay but bear with me. Bandaging isn't my best skill."

When Vynel returns, she has Amp strip down and begins trying to wrap up the bruises. Then they come across a problem. Amp yelps suddenly as Vynel tightens one wrap. "Yow, not so tight! Waaaah! Too Tight! Can't...breathe! Gimme the bandages! I said Gimme...GIMME! I'll do it myself!" Moments later, Amp is bandaged and dressed, awkwardly standing opposite Vynel.

"Sorry about that," Vynel says.

"Don't worry about it." Amp begins to concentrate again but doesn't take nearly as long this time. She snaps and opens her eyes when she believes she's remembered something. "The voice! I remember a voice."

"Just a voice?"

"In my dream!" Amp says, standing with one hand on her hip and the other under her chin as she concentrates.

"Then it was just a dream," Vynel says.

"Maybe...but what if it wasn't. What if someone was actually in danger and the stress allowed them to send me a powerful psychic message!"

Vynel raises an eyebrow. "The only dangers around here are the monsters but most of the ones around here are small and harmless individually. Whoever sent you this 'psychic message' would have to be surrounded by a swarm of them."

"Monsters?! Oh, sweet! Okay, I vote we go to the dungeon where these big, bad, mean monsters are and teach them a lesson!"

"Um...well...you see..." But Amp suddenly grabs Vynel by the arm and runs off with her, against her will. "Whoa!”


(Scenes 3 and 4 coming soo...)


Last edited by TWiLiGHT on Mon Jun 13, 2011 8:37 am; edited 5 times in total
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PostSubject: Re: Synchronoise   Sun Jun 12, 2011 5:54 am

Quote :

She leaps up to her feet suddenly and looks around, alarmed by something. "Oh, good, you're awake."

This reads a bit oddly compared to the rest of the paragraph.

Quote :

I watches you

Typo!

Quote :

Or maybe it's a super potion the programs make?"

?

Quote :

Can't...breath!

Lacks an e.


=====

What I found about the story, while it has an interesting start, the rest of it is basically dialogue and so is much of the description. I would try and find a balance between the dialogue and speech in order to help it flow better, because at the moment it starts with description and the rest is dialogue.

Otherwise, when fixed, good story.
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PostSubject: Re: Synchronoise   Sun Jun 12, 2011 6:39 am

I fixed some of that. Gotta do the rest later.
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PostSubject: Re: Synchronoise   Mon Jun 13, 2011 8:38 am

I just added some more descriptions to Scene 2. Nothing I can really do for Scene 1 since she's just talking to nobody in the middle of a big fat nowhere.
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PostSubject: Re: Synchronoise   Thu Jun 16, 2011 2:34 pm

I dunno if I want to continue this or no. Could use a second opinion.
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PostSubject: Re: Synchronoise   Sat Jun 18, 2011 10:38 am

After seeing more description, it is much easier to visualise the whole scene. You should continue this and continue to refine and update your story as you go, Very Happy
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