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 Late - 266 words

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LostLegend
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Posts : 145
Score : 265
Join date : 2011-05-31

PostSubject: Late - 266 words   Tue May 31, 2011 10:39 am

Thundering footsteps.
"We're late, come on!"
"If only you'd checked your alarm clock last night!"
The door to the lecture theature banged open, almost flying off its hinges as the two students barged into the room, almost falling on top of each other. All eyes in the room turned upon them, some with menacing glares.
"Ah, so you've finally come to listen to my little lecture about the Biological Sciences of Mammals?" Spoke a harsh voice from the centre of the room. The students looked over to him, worried expressions on their faces. They had never seen him like this. He was standing in such a way that he could've been reaching for a chair to trap the students like Lions with. It was quite a menacing posture. His facial expression didn't help much.
"Urm, yes... Yes sir..." One of the students managed to blurt out as she fixed her long, untidy hair. The other grabbed her lightly by the shoulder and whispered into her ear.
"...I think we're in the wrong room."
"That doesn't matter." Came the reply. "We've already embarassed ourselves enough, we may as well listen to what this guy has to say." She tied her hair up into a pony tail, beckoning for her friend to follow as she stepped slowly and quietly up the stairs toward the seats. She chose her spot at the back and sat down. Her friend joined her, waving back her auburn hair from her face.
"Hmm." The lecturer continued, clearing his throat.
One of the students frowned. "This is going to be fun..." 
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Rain

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Join date : 2011-06-02

PostSubject: Re: Late - 266 words   Thu Jun 02, 2011 4:19 am

"He was standing in such a way that he could've been reaching for a chair to trap the students like Lions with." ~ this doesn't really make much sense :S And the "like lions" metaphor is a bit unnecessary. Other than that, what really got to me was how it seemed quite unrealistic. I doubt most lecturers would act quite so devilishly and most people don't almost fall into rooms, no matter how much they're rushing. Also, "Thundering footsteps." ~ a short intro like that works well if its onomatopoeic, e.g. Bang, Screech etc., but not so well with footsteps. My first thought was "where are they?". Even if they end up in lecturing theatre and you get the impression that they're in a university or school of some sort, it's not really specified. Maybe a sequel that explains who these two girls are etc.?
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Aiko

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Join date : 2011-06-01

PostSubject: Re: Late - 266 words   Thu Jun 02, 2011 11:57 am

Errr I don't really get this story. Are the students late or are they in the wrong room??? Well to get the the reviewing..some of the words are unnecessary in this story such as ''Thundering footsteps.'' or ''The door to the lecture theature banged open, almost flying off its hinges as the two students barged into the room, almost falling on top of each other.'' I don't like to be mean but seeing how you role-play good I think you could have put more work on this story like you do with your role-playing. There are no spelling and punctuation errors though.
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