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 Shadows Fall - 702 words

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LostLegend
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PostSubject: Shadows Fall - 702 words   Tue May 31, 2011 10:34 am

UPDATED VERSION ON PAGE 4

Shadows Fall

Upon the blood-strewn battlefield, our swords smashed together like mighty eagles clashing in flight, their talons locking upon each other, each one trying to wrest the other away. This moment in the battle between the Hydra and Leopard Kingdoms could decide the entire war. I let out a roar, lashing out toward my enemy with a vicious kick to his armour-plated stomach. He grunted loudly, doubling over as he stepped backward clumsily. His short, brown hair swept over his eyes as he gave me a menacing glare in revenge. I heaved his sword away from mine, diving toward him and flinging the sharp tip of my weapon toward his body for the ultimate killing blow...
But it was at that moment the steel shattered in my hands. I yelled, covering my eyes as gleaming shards of steel scattered all around me. What had just happened?

My opponent had vanished and all that was left in his place was a pile of ash, gently blowing about in the wind. My stomach churned at this turn of events.
I didn't have time to think about this as the ground began to shake. I barely had time to dive for cover before there was a massive explosion that sent blood-covered grass, soil and debris flying into the air. I groaned as my armour jabbed into my collarbones. I knew I shouldn't have stolen this set from someone that was too small.

I shielded my head as the dirt splattered over my body, bits covering my tatty amber hair. When I heard the sounds of steel hitting steel and numerous explosions on the battlefield dying down, I allowed myself to slowly stand up again. I surveyed the scene of horror all about me.

The battlefield was littered with pools of blood and there were but a few patches of clean grass remaining. The number of dead soldiers lying on the ground was incredibly high. I estimated at least ten thousand of our best men had died in battle on this day. I gulped, hazarding an estimate of how many of the enemy had fallen. Maybe five thousand - or if we were lucky - six thousand? They had proven to be a difficult match.

I stumbled forward, cursing myself. I clutched my left shoulder with my hand where blood was oozing from a minor gash. The pain had gone unnoticed when it had been inflicted, but now that my adrenaline levels had died down, the wound was taking its place in the forefront of my mind. All I remember was that my foe drew his sword across my shoulder like a hot knife through butter. If only I had learnt more defensive techniques from my father when he was still around...
I took a long, deep breath. The clothes under my armour did a nice job of absorbing the blood from the wound. Even if the gash was deep, it was not wide and did not hit bone so recovery would be quick if a mage or doctor could be found. Then again, my long-term illness could hamper my chances of recovery.

I gingerly stepped over a charred corpse, an unlucky victim of the war. Not far ahead of me was the sight of the grand stone walls of the castle we had been fighting for. If no-one could get in, the ten-thousand spent lives of our troops would have been in vain.
I stumbled forward, calling out as my foot was caught in a hole in the ground but a hand had reached out and caught me by my arm. As I was pulled back, I snuck a glance at my rescuer's face.
"Ah, Isabelle!" I gasped. She pulled her hand back to her face to lift up the rim of her large, pointed hat slightly. Her golden-brown hair hung down to her shoulders and her emerald-green eyes seemed to pierce my soul. She was a mage that was fighting for our cause with her powerful green magic, but the downturned sides of her mouth told me she knew the battle had taken a turn for the worse. If only our enemies had not got hold of the plans for the Bomber Cannon...


Last edited by LostLegend on Sun Nov 27, 2011 11:04 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostSubject: Re: Shadows Fall - 702 words   Thu Jun 02, 2011 3:32 am

The beginning is pretty good and caught my attention fast but there are also few things that i didn't like. My favorite way of reading is in third person, so reading "I let out a roar, lashing out toward my enemy with a vicious kick to his armour-plated stomach." isn't something i enjoy too much. It also made me wonder "Is the main character a male or female?" (In fantasy, girls can be captains in war Razz) and "What is the main character called?"

Rest is fine and attention-catching
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Rain

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PostSubject: Re: Shadows Fall - 702 words   Thu Jun 02, 2011 8:02 am

Really attention-grabbing; the action scene and the descriptions are really quite vivid. In some places it seemed to move a bit too quickly though and my thoughts were along the lines of "wtf just happened...?" such as when you went from stabbing someone to your blade randomly shattering and your opponent randomly turned into ash.

It was interesting how we don't actually know much about the main character ~ it creates a bit more mystery. But the "long-term illness" was a bit random in my opinion. It was like it was just thrown in as an off-hand comment rather than something serious....
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Aiko

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PostSubject: Re: Shadows Fall - 702 words   Thu Jun 02, 2011 12:10 pm

Wow I actually liked this story. But there was one thing that really bothered me, and it was reading it in first person. There really isn't anything wrong with the story but reading it in first person was a pain in the butt(for me). But after reading it for a while I got lost after the enemy disappeared and there were soldiers all over grasses. I do like the way you add detail in the story such as there was blood all over the field and only a few patches of grass were still green. Meaning that this wasn't the first battle that the two had and I loved the swerve at the end when I thought the main character's side had one the war as the enemy took the plans for the Bomber Cannon. Makes me wonder what the Bomber Cannon is...
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PostSubject: Re: Shadows Fall - 702 words   Sun Nov 27, 2011 11:03 pm

Here's the updated version!

--------

Upon the blood-strewn battlefield, our swords smashed together like mighty eagles clashing in flight, their talons locking upon each other as they tried to wrest the opposition away. This moment in the battle between the Hydra and Leopard Kingdoms could decide the entire war. I let out a roar, lashing out toward my enemy with a vicious kick to his armour-plated stomach. He grunted loudly as he stumbled backward clumsily. His tatty brown hair swept over his eyes as he gave me a menacing glare in revenge. He pulled out his weapon once more to strike back, but I heaved his sword away from mine and launched myself toward him to fling the sharp tip of my weapon toward his body for the fatal blow…
In an instant, the steel shattered in my hands. I yelled as I was thrown backward, covering my eyes as the remnants of my sword scattered all around me.

My opponent had vanished and all that remained in his place was a pile of ash, gently blowing about in the wind. My stomach at the thought of what had just occurred. I picked myself up but I didn't have time to think further as the ground began to shake. I barely had time to dive for cover before a massive explosion that sent grass, soil and debris flying. I groaned as my armour jabbed into my flesh. Perhaps stealing a set too small wasn't my best idea. I shielded my head as the dirt showered over my body, bits covering my tatty hair. When I heard the sounds of steel on steel and numerous explosions on the battlefield dying down, I found myself slowly standing up again. I surveyed the scene of horror all about me.

Pools of blood littered the battlefield and only a few patches of clean grass remained. Our army had been decimated, the dead piling high as if they were forming mountains. The few bodies that were mostly intact were nearly unrecognisable - their heads were either blown apart or crushed. Over twenty thousand families will mourn tonight, more than half of those for our cause. Far too many souls were lost today - at least two of ours for their one. They had proven a worthy enemy.

I stumbled forward, cursing myself. I clutched my left shoulder with my hand where blood was oozing from a minor gash. The pain had gone unnoticed when it had been inflicted an hour ago but now that the hear of the moment had died down, the wound was taking its place in the forefront of my mind. All I remember was that my foe drew his sword across my shoulder like a hot knife through butter. If only I had learned more defensive techniques from my father when he was still around...
I took a long, deep breath. The clothes under my armour did a nice job of absorbing the blood from the wound. Even if the gash was deep, it was not wide and did not hit bone so recovery would be quick if a mage or doctor could be found.

I gingerly stepped over a charred corpse, an unlucky victim of the war. Not far ahead of me was the sight of the grand stone walls of the castle we had been fighting for. If no-one could get in, the ten-thousand spent lives of our troops would have been in vain.
I stumbled forward, calling out as my foot was caught in a hole in the ground but a hand had reached out and caught me by my arm. As I was pulled back, I jerked around to look at my rescuer's face.
"Ah, Isabelle!" I gasped. She pulled her hand back to her face to lift up the rim of her large, pointed hat slightly. Her golden-brown hair hung down to her shoulders and her emerald-green eyes seemed to pierce my soul. With her powerful green magic she fought well for us but the downturned sides of her mouth told me she knew the battle had taken a turn for the worse. If only our enemies had not got hold of the plans for the Bomber Cannon...
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