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 The Conifer Forest - 425 words

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Brindze



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Score : 117
Join date : 2011-06-01

PostSubject: The Conifer Forest - 425 words   Thu Jun 02, 2011 3:55 am

The Conifer Forest
Chapter 1


"Yes, I checked there earlier and it is fine!" Eric spoke through the phone with one of his friends - Jordan, while running down stairs in the stairwell of the apartment building. "Now if still want to come, you better be ready. I'll be there in five minutes!" Eric hang up his mobile phone dropping it inside his jeans pocket. He ran outside the apartment building only stopping for a second to look left and right to find his DJ-6 Jeep.
While walking in a fast rate towards the jeep, Eric dig one hand into same pocket he had mobile phone in taking out the car keys.
Few minutes later Eric's jeep stopped by Jordan's house, Eric without waiting immediately pressed the horn two times, and soon enough Jordan holding his backpack on one shoulder ran outside of the house door shouting: "Bye mother, father!" He quickly ran at Eric's jeep jumping in the passenger's seat next to driver's seat. Taking the backpack off from shoulder, Jordan threw it in back seats. "Alright, let's go!" Jordan said and Eric hit the gas to pick up the next friend of the group.
There were two more - Karen and Selena.
After picking up the last two friends of the group, they all four drove few miles before reaching their destination. It was a thick, dark conifer forest. There was only one sand path leading inside the forest, which was the one Eric, Jordan, Karen and Selena took to get inside. After a few minute driving, they finally reached end of path. Eric stopped the Jeep and turned the engine off. He dropped a glance on forest that was currently around him taking a moment to think. "So, let's go?" Jordan said turning around and grabbing the backpack from back seats where Karen and Selena were sitting now. "Definitely!" Eric spoke grabbing his backpack and jumping out of the jeep putting car keys inside his jeans pocket. The both girls also took their stuff and stepped out of the Jeep, Karen for a minute got a funny feeling go past her skin as she walked up to Eric: "Are you sure we won't get lost?"
"Don't worry about it, we will set some kind of sign on some of the trees we pass by. All we will need to do then is follow them!" Eric spoke with a confident voice before starting to walk forwards leaving the Jeep here. Everyone else followed him like scouts to a scoutmaster, after all, this will be a small camping trip.
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Rain

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PostSubject: Re: The Conifer Forest - 425 words   Thu Jun 02, 2011 4:04 am

Very dramatic ending ~ saying that it will "be a small camping trip" makes the reader expect things to go wrong. You introduced all the characters very quickly, but you gave more description about the Jeep than about them, especially with Karen and Selena. The opening was very effective, with the phone call. The chapter itself feels very much like an basic introduction, so I'll be waiting for more ^_^
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LostLegend
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PostSubject: Re: The Conifer Forest - 425 words   Thu Jun 02, 2011 4:06 am

My responses/fixes in red.

Quote :
"Yes, I checked there earlier and it's fine!" Eric spoke through the phone with one of his friends - Jordan, while running downstairs in the stairwell of the apartment building. "Now if you still want to come, you'd better be ready. I'll be there in five minutes!" Eric hung up his mobile phone, dropping it inside his jeans pocket. He ran outside the apartment building only stopping for a second to look left and right to find his DJ-6 Jeep.
While walking quickly towards the jeep, Eric dug one hand into the same pocket he had mobile phone in taking out the car keys.

A few minutes later Eric's jeep stopped by Jordan's house, Eric, without waiting, immediately pressed the horn twice and soon enough Jordan, holding his backpack on one shoulder, ran outside of the house door shouting: "Bye mother, father!"
He quickly ran toward Eric's jeep jumping in the passenger's seat next to driver's seat. Taking the backpack off from his shoulder, Jordan threw it on the back seats.
"Alright, let's go!" Jordan said and Eric hit the gas to pick up their next friend.
There were two more - Karen and Selena.
After picking up the last two friends of the group, all four drove a few miles before reaching their destination. It was a thick, dark conifer forest. There was only one sandy path leading inside the forest, which was the one Eric, Jordan, Karen and Selena took to get inside. After a few minutes of driving, they finally reached the end of the path. Eric stopped the Jeep and turned the engine off. He dropped a glance on the forest that was currently around him taking a moment to think.
"So, let's go?" Jordan said turning around and grabbing the backpack from the back seats where Karen and Selena were now sitting. "Definitely!" Eric spoke, also grabbing his backpack and jumping out of the jeep, putting his car keys inside his jeans pocket. The both girls also took their stuff and stepped out of the Jeep.
Karen had a funny feeling go past her skin as she walked up to Eric: "Are you sure we won't get lost?"
"Don't worry about it, we will set some kind of sign on some of the trees we pass by. All we will need to do then is follow them!" Eric spoke with a confident voice before starting to walk forwards leaving the Jeep here. Everyone else followed him like scouts to a scoutmaster. After all, this will be a small camping trip.

Tips:
- Use "the" more often.
- Make it clearer as to what is going on.
- Add some more detail to the whole scene and don't try to rush it through. For example, what does everyone look like?!

For a start, not bad though.
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