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 At the Edge of the Bridge - 417 words

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Join date : 2011-05-31

PostSubject: At the Edge of the Bridge - 417 words   Tue May 31, 2011 11:34 am

The asphalt was almost burnt as the rubber wheels scraped across it. The vehicle was sent into a spinning frenzy, having just been slammed head-on by a heavily modified and strengthened Mercedes.
The driver slammed his rough hands on the wheel, yelling and trying to get his spinning car under his control again. His efforts were futile as the car smacked with a loud crunch against the side of the bridge. The stone that had been holding the bridge together started to crumble away from the sheer force of the blow.

The other car's driver calmly braked, opened his car door and whipped out a pistol from his Jeans. He held it up high, pointing it at the unfortunate man who was fiddling with his seatbelt, trying to save himself - to get out of the car - before it was sent over the edge.
"I wouldn't move if I were you!" He shouted, shaking the pistol. The man in the vehicle looked up, stunned. He opened his mouth to scream but nothing came out. The vehicle creaked as more rocks tumbled from the structure into the raging river below...
"You can go over! You'll be out of my life!" The madman bared his fangs, standing still with his pistol still held high.
"But then you won't have the satisfaction of killing me!" The driver shouted back through the smashed driver's seat window. "Why don't you just kill me here and now?"
"I want to see you die. If I pull this trigger, I'm wasting a bullet. You'll fall over the side anyway!" The gunman replied.
"Not if you aim carefully. Come closer and you can take the shot." The driver spoke back, as calmly as he could. However, he could hear the sounds of the crumbling bridge and the raging waters below...
"Fine." The gunman agreed, stepping close enough so that he was on the bridge. He lowered the gun to the driver's height and...
He was struck from behind by a trumphant-faced policeman with his baton. The policeman had considered the whole situation carefully enough so that when the man fell, the policeman was able to grab him and lay him on the ground. He yanked open the car door for the driver, undoing the seatbelt with haste.
The bridge fell away!
All that was left on the bridge was the driver, hanging onto the policeman's arm as he leant over the side of the bridge, breathing a heavy sigh of relief.
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PostSubject: Re: At the Edge of the Bridge - 417 words   Wed Jun 01, 2011 8:56 am

This Story is good,you should continue it lost ^_^

- Not counted as a proper review! - LL
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PostSubject: Re: At the Edge of the Bridge - 417 words   Thu Jun 02, 2011 3:50 am

Unlike Shadows Fall, this is written in third person, which i enjoy reading more than first person. The description wasn't short and neither was is overreacted with that is also another plus for the story since most people i know don't really like long descriptions, and if you make descriptions short, people just won't get it.
What i would of liked to see at the end would be having the driver make a comment about what happened before and what caused this "attempt to kill". Something like "He should have known that he will never get away with...."
Or maybe the story is something total different like revenge or something, but i would of still liked to see the last comment to explain me "Why did this happen?"

And seeing a sequel would be nice indeed.
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PostSubject: Re: At the Edge of the Bridge - 417 words   Thu Jun 02, 2011 8:56 pm

It might just be me, but I really don't like it when someone writes "Screech!" on its own at the beginning. It gives the impression that you're too lazy to write in detail, even if you aren't, and makes you wonder what is screeching, which you then immediately answer in the next line, making the first kind of redundant.... But that might just be me ^_^

I'm not really sure what's going on for the majority of it. One man slams into another man's car. The second man's car spins and ends up teetering on the edge of a bridge. His seatbelt is stuck and he can't get out. The first man gets out and points a gun at the second, who can't escape. Somewhere around here, you randomly throw in the fact that the first man is mad (why is a mad man trying to kill the other? Do they know each other? You assume so from the fact that the second knows the first "wants the satisfaction of killing" him). The madman walks closer and bends down.... And then a magical policeman appears out of thin air, hits the madman around the head with a baton, and has no obvious problem with the "stuck" seatbelt. Did the madman really not notice the policeman at all before then? And if he didn't, why did the policeman wait so long before doing anything? A lot of continuity issues here... A prequel would be nice to explain exactly why this is all happening.
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PostSubject: Re: At the Edge of the Bridge - 417 words   Sun Jun 12, 2011 4:03 am

While the scene itself is a bit familiar, it's written in a way I don't quite recall having seen. It has potential. More than anything, it reminds me of the movie, The Transporter. Specifically it reminds me of the third one. IT also reminds me a little of the bridge scenes in Fantastic Four and Spider-Man. It DID grab my attention, however. It lost me near the end but I went back and understood it so it's a general good job. A sequel or prequel is definitely in order since it begins in the middle of something yet ends in a cliffhanger.
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